Stephen Hawking
has been a
"Featured Article"
Click here to view it in all its Featured glory.

Stephen Hawking
makes The Baby Jesus sad.
Does your mother know you read these filthy liberal myths?
Stephen Hawking is heretical
and makes The Baby Jesus jealous!
May it rot in the fires of his judgement!

Stephen Hawking is a theoretical physicist of mediocre esteem. Really, a "theoretical" physicist? I'm sure that'll win us a lot of "theoretical" wars. The other physicists only let him hang around with them out of pity since he's in a wheelchair, although it's largely agreed that Hawking is probably faking the whole cripple thing anyway.

Bleep blorp

Stephen Hawking's only appearance on the Report.

Hawking claims he suffers from amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. If this were true, wouldn't it be called Stephen Hawking disease? I can't believe no one's called him out on this one yet.

Further more I don't think he really has the disease I think he's just being lazy.

A typical lecture by Hawking has been summarized as follows:

The Euclidean path integral over all topologically trivial metrics can be done by time slicing and so is unitary when analytically continued to the Lorentzian. On the other hand, the path integral over all topologically non-trivial metrics is asymptotically independent of the initial state. Thus the total path integral is unitary and information is not lost in the formation and evaporation of black holes. The way the information gets out seems to be that a true event horizon never forms, just an apparent horizon.

-GR Conference website

Whatever, bitch. Jesus, what an asshole. By the way, where does this guy get off "lecturing" us in the first place? What could YOU possibly lecture ME about? It sure isn't walking.

Thankfully, someone is finally standing up to Hawking: Stephen Colbert does a shockingly accurate impression of this clown that has surely bumped him down a couple of pegs.


  • Is Stephen Colbert's least favorite theoretical physicist.
  • Once called up Paulina Porizkova on the phone. Probably has a crush on her.


Mr. Hawking rode on the "Vomet Comet" and was weightless on April 26, 2007, Jessica Lynch's birthday.


Universe Created Without CreatorEdit

In 2010 (two years before the 2012!) "Dr." Hawking declared that the universe was created without a creator.

Obviously, his wheelchair is too tight.

See AlsoEdit

External TubesEdit

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.