Baby Jesus
Celebrate the all-American Holiday
with The Baby Jesus™

Since 11/4th Thurs/1941

ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.

Thanksgiving is an American Holiday
Date: Last Thursday in Novemeber
Other Countries that Celebrate: NONE. They aren't American enough to handle Thanksgiving
Acceptable Foods: Turkey, Sides, Pie
Unacceptable Foods: Anything UnAmerican.
Celebration: Required. If you don't you are supporting the Terrorists
Horn of Plenty.: All food must be served in these great wicker horns, which are both practical and festive
Creators God, The Pilgrims, and the most Thankful Indians

A complete Thanksgiving dinner. Not pictured: drunken family

Thanksgiving is the third most hated holiday by liberals. The first and second being Christmas and Easter, respectfully. Thanksgiving is the day to be reminded that the Indians were happy we came to America and saved them from being savages. They were taught how to be great businessmen and casino owners.

On this day, it is customary (and required by law) to state emphatically that you are thankful to live in the greatest Country in the world.

More than Americans, Turkeys love this holiday. For one day a year, they are King and the focus of every red, white, and blue loving person out there.

There is a horrific rumor that another country celebrates Thanksgiving on some other day, but that has been all but dismissed as a filthy lie.

The First ThanksgivingEdit


Two scamps fighting over a worthless bone

The Puritan Pilgrims came to America on board a ship known as the Mayflower. They were led here by God to make this country the best country ever. The Baby Jesus himself personally captained the Mayflower, and followed God the whole way across the Atlantic Ocean.[1] God took the form of a pillar of smoke during the day and a giant Zippo lighter at night[2] and it was easy for Baby Jesus to lead the chosen Pilgrims to their new Promised Land. When they arrived at Plymouth Rock they immediately began farming, setting up Corporations and building many churches and community centers. They were quite successful and had plenty of everything! They lived in peace for a year until the jealous and savage Indians crept out of the forest amazed by the level of civilization the Americans possessed. The Pilgrims, being a good and gentle people, took pity on the Indian and gave him some food and taught him how to farm.[3] The Pilgrims taught the Indians all about God, The Baby Jesus, and George W. Bush.[4] The Indians and Pilgrims had a great feast then[5] and celebrated the Pilgrims rightful ownership of the Land of America.[6] Every year after that day we celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving, a holy day in which we celebrate the rightful ownership of this great land, indulge in the beauty of overeating, gather with family and friends and thank God for George W. Bush, Dr. Stephen Colbert, and Capitalism.[7]


An Indian squaw

The Food They AteEdit

The First Thanksgiving included a great feast and the menu on that feast was dictated by God to William Bradford.[8] It is absolute law that you have at least some of the items at your table.[9] Original Menu is as follows: Turkey,[10] Dressing,[11]Sides,[12]Pie,[13]. When in doubt, the correct menu choices are the choices made by Stephen Colbert and Family.

Tryptophan, The Roofies of the New WorldEdit

As the Pilgrims engorged themselves on the delightful and bountiful Turkey they began to realize that it made them quite sleepy. They realized it would be quite easy to take rightful ownership of their birthright (America) with the help of this bird.

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"God hath given us this bird with which to feed the savages and lull them into an unsuspecting slumber. And whilst they laze away in their own sloth and gluttony we shall remove their bodies from our land and sell them as slaves across the sea. "
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~ William Bradford - #1 Pilgrim

The Pilgrims would invite Indians to a nice Turkey dinner and encourage them to eat second and third helpings until their bellies were all bulgy and disproportionate. They would then sit and wait 15-30 minutes for the "roofie" to take effect. Then, once the naive and foolish Indians fell asleep, they were sold for a sweet profit and the Indian problem in the Plymouth area was solved.
Today we honor this memory by eating as much as we can at Thanksgiving so that we can always remember the wisdom and good business sense of the Pilgrims and God's gift of America to Americans.

Thanksgiving: The Day, The State of MindEdit

Thanksgiving is more than just a day. It is a feeling. Its a feeling of hunger and thankfulness. It is a growing feeling inside us that tells us to thank God, The Baby Jesus, George W. Bush, and Stephen Colbert for the the gift that is America. It is the sense all True Americans™ get on the Fourth Thursday of every November. It is in the blood and in the gut. It is a day all Americans expand their gut in remembrance of our Founding Fathers. This occurs naturally in all True Americans™, and so it is just as natural that it is created to be one of our National Holidays™. There are several things that occur on Thanksgiving without fail: Travel, Family and Eating. Without these things Thanksgiving would not be complete.

Busiest Travel Day of the YearEdit


Two gentlemen going to visit family for Thanksgiving

Without a doubt, Americans also pay homage to the great American Petroleum Companies like Exxon-Mobil, Shell, and Citgo,[14] by driving as much as possible. This is always a good thing and should be encouraged.[15] Traffic gets quite bad and people do have accidents. That is because many liberals drive Hybrids, which are notoriously unsafe. They can wreck on a dime without a second thought. That is why you should own a Hummer, the safest car out there, as rated by Jesus. All True Americans™ drive Hummers. Once everyone owns a Hummer there will be no more traffic accidents, they are just that safe. But until then, on Thanksgiving we must be careful on the liberal infested highway, but thanks to our Hummers all True Americans™ will make it home safe for the holidays. Thank you Baby Jesus for Hummers, Petroleum Companies, and concrete.

Bringing Families TogetherEdit


What a typical American Family looks like. Other family types unacceptable.

This a day we come together with our happy families, which consist of one mom and one dad.[16] Siblings may be applicable, as well as extended family members, dogs, neighbors, and Jesus[17] Families typically sit around the dinner table that mother has prepared[18] and pray. Then while they eat, and pass the dishes in a clockwise order (Americans celebrating in Australia pass counter-clockwise) they have civilized and loving conversation about, Jesus, work, the blessings of George W. Bush, juiciness, and thankfulness. That is all they do.



Turkey = Juicy. Here is what juicy looks like.

This should be baked with stuffing inside (not in a separate dish). It should be timed by someone who uses their gut. That is how you know a Turkey is ready. Turkey is the only acceptable main course for Thanksgiving. Ham is simply not allowed and a Tofurkey is abominable in the eyes of God and makes the Baby Jesus cry. Turkey may only be described as Juicy. There must be leftovers for turkey sandwiches. It must be a golden brown in color. Basting is suggested.


As if Tofurkey wasn't bad enough, some hellbound Liberal created Turducken. This is Sacrilege[19] and a pure Liberal creation to sully the sanctity of the Turkey with other Lesser Birds. Putting a Chicken or a Duck inside a Turkey in anyways is UnAmerican!

Side DishesEdit

  • Cranberry Sauce
  • Yams
  • Chicken-flavored-water-marinated toast casserole



Very few things reach the level of patriotism that apple pie can achieve.

  • Apple Pie[20]
  • Sweet Potato Pie[21]
  • Pecan Pie
  • Twinkie stuffed Twinkies[22]

Thanksgiving Day ActivitiesEdit

  • Loosening One's Pants
  • Watching Football
  • Drinking a good American Beer
  • Listing what you are Thankful for
  • arguing
  • Powernapping
  • Watching football with loose pants.
  • Parading
  • arguing in loose pants

The Turkey: America's Second Most Noble BirdEdit


The bird before sacrificing itself for the America Dinnertable

The Turkey, is without a doubt, America's second most noble bird.[23] Since the first Thanksgiving it has routinely given its noble noble life for the greater cause. Turkeys are proud and without remorse. They live guilt free lives committing no sins against God. And when Thanksgiving comes around George W. Bush checks the list of all the turkey's in the whole United States. And that one special turkey, the best, most pure turkey is pardoned and gets to spend one special day with our greatest President. That turkey is then rushed off to beautiful Hawaii[24] for a four night stay. From there the lucky turkey gets to live on a nice ranch with lots of other turkeys[25] where he can spend the rest of his days in style. The turkey does all of this for us, and therefore we are thankful. So, on Thanksgiving we celebrate you turkey, the 2nd noblest of birds.

Famous Turkeys That Have Received PardonsEdit

Famous Turkeys That Have Yet to Receive PardonsEdit

See AlsoEdit

External TubesEdit


  1. The Atlantic is a natural buffer zone that keeps all the foreigners out of America. Bush himself acknowledges that we are separated by oceans.
  2. God chose a Zippo due to its excellent wind resistance.
  3. Unfortunately the Indians never did remember anything the Pilgrims taught them because of their inferior nature.
  4. The Holy Trinity
  5. After the Indians were thoroughly bathed, Saved, re-bathed and deodorized
  6. As ordained by God in the Bible.
  7. May it soon destroy all other heathen forms of government!
  8. Bradford used special golden hearing-aids given to him by the Arch-Angel Gabriel (a super awesome rockstar) so that the awesome voice of God would be audible. Yes, it is a little known fact that God has an awesome voice but he is often using his inside voice, which is difficult to hear.
  9. Offenders will be punished by Hell.
  10. the noblest of birds, after the Eagle
  11. This was very difficult to prepare and the original recipe for dressing was lost. Everything we have now is a rough imitation of what dressing was, but its the thought that counts
  12. you know...
  13. Apple Pie is most American, followed by Pecan and Pumpkin
  14. All these are American Companies unlike BP, which stands for British Petroleum, which is limey and corrosive to engines.
  15. How else do we disprove the Liberal lie that is global warming except by proving them wrong by burning as much oil and rainforest as possible?
  16. See American Family.
  17. For he is every where my son.
  18. It is her Christian duty to do so, and she loves to.
  19. But also it is Sacrilicious
  20. This one is a complete no-brainer. Only Communists and Atheists don't know this.
  21. Though this can be argued, it would be a poor argument. Marshmallows = dessert end of story.
  22. That's right!
  23. maybe.
  24. A gift from the Hawaiian natives to America.
  25. And all sorts of game birds kept in cages. If they are lucky enough they will get a visit from the superbest Vice President and his friends.
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