The American Family
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ATTENTION: This Page is for Real Americans™ ONLY
If you are not a Real American™, pack your bags and report to GITMO.
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"The American Family"
you have been touched in a very special way.

A family has been defined by God and The Greatest President - EVER as consisting of one Daddy[1], one Mommy, and one or more kid(s). That's it. Period. End of story.

The American Family
One Daddy. One Mommy. One (or more) kids. Amen.

Fact: The wives never trip because their aren't many obstacles betweeen the kitchen and the bedroom.


As everyone knows, The American Family is currently under threat. The greatest threats to The American Family today include, but are not limited to:

1. The Purebreeds

Non-Interacial Marriage is the single greatest threat to The American Family as we know it. That's why our President wants to protect The American Family with the Protection of Immigrants The Race Amendment. And why so many states have voted to protect the children by outlawing this heinous crime against humanity and the family.

If a family is one Daddy plus one Mommy plus some kids, of the same ethnicity, chances are those kids will be dumbasses. Except more than one kids is obviously okay. And more than one ethnicity is okay in the Old Testament, and still in some parts of Utah, as long as there's a singular daddy. But never, never more than one Daddies. God does not approve!

2. The Gays

Gay adoption is the single greatest threat to The American Family as we know it (also). Gays should not be allowed to adopt (even when one of them is the "biological" parent)[2], because people who are not married should not have children. Children need a Daddy and a Mommy[3] who are married, in order to raise them up right in the ways of God and righteousness.

Also, gay adoption is part of the homosexual agenda to corrupt the children. Who will think of the children?

Pure American Family humor. Are we going to let the Gays and Abortionists take this away from us?

3. Abortion

Abortion threatens The American Family by allowing people who don't want to be saddled with a The American Family to escape their holy duty to bring unwanted children into the world. They should have thought of that before they didn't want children; it's too late to turn back now! Abortion may well be the single greatest threat to The American Family as we know it.

Fortunately, under the god-fearing leadership of The Greatest President Ever and the Republican majority, abortion became slightly less of a threat than in years past.[4] But watch out for the abortion-loving liberals in the Democratic Congress. Under the leadership of pro-abortionist Pelosi, they will do whatever it takes to make sure that every American - man, woman, and child - has an abortion, like it or not!!

4. Hollywood Liberals

Hollywood liberals like "Brangelina" and "TomKat" and "Filliam H. Muffman" threaten The American Family by promoting a non-traditional approach to marriage, child-rearing, and child-getting.

I mean, what would happen if everyone just up and got pregnant outside of wedlock? What if everyone went to "Africa" to "adopt" a "baby"? What if everyone insisted that their most famous, critically acclaimed Zeppelin-themed film work was no more than the fictional product of Stephen Colbert's "twisted imagination?" Then where would we be?

2.5. Terrorists
The Terrorists want to destroy America's families. President Bush has said so on numerous occasions. Is that what you want, America? Is that what you want, Matt Lauer? The Greatest President - EVER is trying to protect your family from the Terrorists!!
According to Professor Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A., the Terrorists are also trying to destroy The American Family by undermining his credibility.[5] If we are constantly under alert, but no new terrorist attacks happen, then how are the kids supposed to believe Daddy when he threatens them? He could barely get them to brush their teeth last night! This is clearly part of the terrorists' evil plan for ruining everything.

5. Feminazis

The Feminazis want The American Family to fail so that they can more freely run around burning their bras in lesbianic voodoo witch ceremonies. Feminazis fail to recognize that their true biological and spiritual destinies lie in becoming Mommies. Unfortunately, most of the Femi-Nazis who do become Mommies go on to become Bad Mommies. Bad Mommies are known to produce Bad Kids.

Don't be fooled! Those are not "breeding hips," and this Femi-nazi won't ever make a "good little wife."

Paradoxically, Feminazis often turn out to be "coddlers" when it comes to their children. They baby their children unnecessarily, insisting on "protecting" them with things like knee pads, helmets, car seats, child safety caps, etc. This reflects the fact that the Feminazis' natural womanly instincts - to serve and "care" for their husbands - have been displaced onto their children.

5.B. Single Parent Families
Almost certainly the fault of the Feminazis, there are so many Single Parent Families nowadays! Single Parents threaten The American Family by producing latchkey kids. We all know what happens to latchkey kids. Surely with so many Single Parent families in America, there's a way to get some of them together? I mean, didn't Congress pass the "Brady Bill" at the screaming insistence of the liberals, sometime back in the 90's? So why isn't it working, liberals? Despite your desire to legislate godless socialism into the very fabric our social structure, this Brady legislation has done nothing to see America's Single Parent groups somehow form a Family. I guess we can chalk that up to one more example of the Democrats failed social policy.

5.C. SAHDs
Without a doubt the fault of the Feminazis, Stay At Home Dads (SAHDs) are a violation of nature. By surrendering their balls and doing women's work, these men are part of a dangerous movement threatening America's families with gender nonconformity. Part of the horror of SAHDs is that they don't realize that they are living desperate, unnatural, shameful lives as modern-day pariahs. The real victims, of course, are the children, who (obviously) want their Mommies!

2.75. Bears
Bears are godless killing machines. They never pass up an opportunity to attack The American Family.
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Females need to nurture constantly, so they hate any time alone where they are left to think, shower or sleep. For a Mom to be happy, every moment away from her children must be filled with the soul-wrenching thought, "Am I a bad mother?"
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6. Acamedians

The evil alliance of Acamedians that controls the liberal East Coast ivy-league university system and the liberal media wants to annhilate The American Family. First, they insist that "The Family" is a "social construction," that has "changed over time." WRONG-O, Acamedians! The Bible proves that the family has always been one Daddy, one Mommy, and some kids. Except in the Old Testament, when it was different. And in most of the New Testament, including the parts where the early Church practiced group marriage. But that's not the point. God declared that the family was and is always the same, and you can't prove otherwise. Stop saying things![6]

7. The Kids Today

Bad Kids threaten America's families whenever they don't do what they are told.

Staying up too late, leaving the house dressed like that, back talk/sass, complaining, making me turn this car around, another peep, rock music, take out the trash now Mister, drinking Mountain Dew, popping ollies, don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you, and giving your Mother a hard time are all ways that bad kids are trying to undermine The American Family.

7.B. Their Grandparents
You undermine The American Family's authority when you spoil the kids like that.[7]

American Family Life

The American Family is bound together at the center by its love of God, Country, Country, and Our Glorious Stephen. These great loves, and the binding that they represent for America's Families' members, are cemented through a number of important family rituals. Some of the more common of these rituals of American Family bonding, or "Bondage Rituals," include


Whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or some other religion, church attendance is an important ritual for building American families that have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. As everyone knows, the family that prays together stays together.

The kind of wholesome family programming about The American Family that The American Family used to mindlessly consume together before cable went and ruined everything.

Family Meals

The cornerstone of American Family life is the family meal. Real American families eat American foods like BLTs, hamburgers, freedom fries, ham (delicious ham), mashed potatoes, and apple pie. Real American families never eat things like tofu, tofu burgers, tofurkey, or tofuwtfnow? Vegetarians aren't Real Americans; nixo-facto real American families aren't vegetarian.


The best American families are those that practice homeschooling to insure that their children receive the proper religious education. Parochial schools are an acceptable alternative for middle class families; rich families may, of course, send their children to non-religious private institutions. Poor, bad, democrat, and communist families send their kids to public schools.


Unfortunately, contemporary popular culture has produced a war-torn, morally defunct cesspool of crumbelievable corruption and greed in which cable television threatens to tear America's families apart. The good news for the families of America is that the TV offers many solutions to the problems that television causes. In particular, The American Family benefits from the time it spends gathered together around the TV watching The Colbert Report. Here, Dad, Mom and the kid(s) can take time to reflect on important lessons about how to be an American family in America, and other important things about Stephen.


Good American families participate in sports. Ideally, the family's Daddy will coach a "team" on which one or more of the family's children will play, and the family's Mommy will make snacks for the team. The Daddy will yell when the family's children perform badly. He will yell a lot. The children will prove that they love their Daddy by winning at sports. The Mommy will prove that she loves the Daddy in other ways. The Daddy will prove his love by yelling. A lot.

What Can Be Done To Protect The American Family?
  1. Support The President
  2. Watch The Colbert Report
  3. Focus on the Family
  4. Vote for Candidates who represent Family Values
  5. Take out the trash now, Mister!

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Don't worry if a rule makes sense - the important thing is that it's a rule. Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline. If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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Famous American Families
  • The Holy Family
    • Best Family - EVER
    • The American Family's Model of Unattainable Familial Perfection
    • Consists of
  1. God (the Father)
  2. Mother Nature - God's Wife
  3. The Baby Jesus

Everything The American Family Should Want To Be (in Sleek, Contemporary Stylings)

  • The First Family
    • The American Family's Model of Earthly Familial Perfection
    • Comes in Two Varieties:
Current First Family
  • Sleek, Contemporary Stylings
  • Everything The American Family Should Want To Be
  1. "Papa" G.P.E = America's Dad
  2. Laura Bush = America's Mom
  3. The Bush Twins = America's Girls Gone Wild
    1. Barbara - The not-quite-so-wild one
    2. Jenna - The oh-my-god-can-you-believe-it one
Former First Family (Insest)
  • "Classic" Model
  • Everything The American Family Should Have Wanted To Have Been but Wasn't and Now Can Never Not Be Again
  1. Reagan = Dad
  2. Barbara Bush = Mom
  3. Gerald Ford = Brother
  4. Martha Stewart = Sister
  5. Ron Reagan, Jr. = "Bad Kid" Little Brother that Nobody Talks about

  1. What a lot of siblings. Good Job, Stephen's parents!
  2. Stephen's Beautiful Wife
  3. Stephen's Legitimate Children
  4. Stephen's "extras"
  5. Stephen Jr.
  6. Stephanie Colbertle the Turtle
  7. Others???

For Further Study recommends the following sources, which should provide all the book-learning you should ever need on the subject of The American Family:

For those with shorter attention spans, and/or papers due tomorrow, the following articles may also be of interest:

External Tubes


  1. In cases where the Daddy is currently serving as a member of Our Troops, a Flat Daddy has been deemed an acceptable substitute
  2. That means you, Mary Cheney's so-called "wife partner".
  3. Do you hear me, Dan Savage?
  4. "Less of a threat" in the actual sense that it became increasingly harder to access safe, legal abortions. However, abortion has seen a steady annual increase as a threat every year since the notorious Roe v. Wade decision, in the amount of attention politicians and pundits are forced to pay to the threat of abortion. This threat increases exponentially during election cycles.
  5. Obviously, undermining Stephen's credibility undermines every American daddy by extension, since Stephen is America (and so can you!).
  6. And stop publishing studies. And reports. Unless they're about how children need a Daddy and a Mommy who are married to each other, or the healing power of prayer. Those are okay. But enough with the sex stuff, Kinsey!
  7. You know what you did.