when you touch yourself you make The Baby Jesus sad!
Keep your hands where we can see them!
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The Clenis in all its glory
"The Clenis™" was once believed to be a mythical god-like figure, until the scientists pointed their telescope toward God's Heavens and saw it for the very first time.
The name is a contraction of "Bill Clinton" and "Penis", as it is believed that Bill Clinton's penis is an all-powerful entity. In 1970, he used it to sexually satisfy every woman in Arkansas, and therefore won election as governor in a landslide.
Origin of The Clenis™
The Clenis™ as seen by astronomers.
Astronomers claim these are The Clenis' balls.
All the way back to the dawn of time, 6,000 years ago, man had been cursed with bad luck. Whenever he was ready to kill and eat a bear, something bad would happen and his caveman wife was homeless looking after their 10 kids.
Not knowing what else to do, Man had accepted his fate. Then, one day, after Jesus' 33rd birthday, man was given the gift of faith and no longer saw his misfortune as random or arbitrary, but as a direct result of displeasing The Father Who Lives In The Clouds.
But was it really Satan behind all mankind's troubles?
The Discovery
It was first seen by Communists in 1995, but its effects have been felt for the entire 6,000 years of man's existence on America's Planet.
It was then that scientists realized that this was one of the "pillars of creation" and decided it was appropriate to place all blame of mankind's misfortunes on it.
The Damage Done By The Clenis™
Throughout history, The Clenis™ has been behind many of the tragedies that have befallen civilization. Whatever evil has existed, it is the fault of The Clenis™. Here is only a partial list:
Biblical Times
- The separation of the continents
- The extinction of the dinosaurs
- The sphinx's nose falling off
- The black plague
- STDs
- The breaks in the Great Wall of China
- Colbear
- the schism of the One True Korea into 2 Koreas: North Korea and South Korea
- the schism of the One True Carolina into 2 Carolinas: South Carolina and that other one
Modern-day
- create fake Hawaiian birth certificates for B-Rock "The Islamic Shock" Hussein Superallah Obama
- The Great Depression
- The French Revolution
- The existence of France
- Bears
- 9-11
- Osama bin Laden
- Katrina
- Being bogged-down in Iraq
- Going to Iraq
- Iraq
- That time you lost the remote and you didn't find it for, like, three days, and it turned out it was behind the couch the whole time
- Al Franken
- forced Mark Foley to buy a computer
- The demon that lives in Michael Moore's belly
- The New York Times
- Unions
- Psychiatry
- Marxism
- Barry Manilow winning the Emmy
- The band "Creed"
- Abortions
- Homosexuality
- Bipolar disorder in every women in New Jersey
- New Jersey
- The Saginaw Spirit's loss in the playoffs
- Scenesters
- Pepto Bismol
- Chocolate flavored condoms
- Fake Wrestling
- Is the cause of women's rights
- forced Donald Rumsfeld to sell nuclear materials to North Korea during the Reagan era
- Clogs "the tubes" of the internet
- Liberalism
- Communist "seoul singer" Rain and his popularity in un-Communist America
- The death of Jesus Christ
- Negative Smearing of America's Newsman Rush Limbaugh
- Negative Smearing of Glenn Beck
- Negative Smearing of Bill O'Reilly
- "Happy Holidays"
- Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House
- The DeGeneres Paradox
- Left a smile on the face of Kim Jong Il while stealing his young hotties
The Clenis in the News
