Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
January 19, 2009
Production code:
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  • Day For A King
"I celebrate Martin Luther King the way I do everyday: by refusing to ride the bus!"
  • Bush To Judgment
"Then, Bush's legacy! Will they put his face on money or just unemployment checks!"
  • Embarrassment Of Rich
"And, I talk to New York Times columnist Frank Rich, but only because I need the answers to the crossword!"

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Just twelve more hours until all those Bush Countdown Clocks explode! (rubs hands together maniacally) You fools!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
January 19, 2009 The Colbert Report

An Historic MomentEdit

  • An Historic Moment
  • today is Dr. Colbert's 500TH SHOW!
    • defying the odds
  • usually a balloon drop
    • all balloons in the country are in D.C. for Obama's Inaugural
    • Stephen procured one from a child
  • make it mainstream: needs to be marketed
  • Easter has a Bunny
  • Christmas has Santa Claus
  • Veterans' Day has Godzilla
  • Martin Luther King Day now has a mascot: Dreamy!
    • people should volunteer to celebrate Martin Luther King Day, he offered some suggestions:
      • the Levy Senior Center on Demster Street needs sturdy volunteers to help shovel walkways
      • the Elmhurst JCC on Willowcreek Avenue wants people with "handyman" experience to water seal their deck
      • Knights of Columbus invite you to knit blankets for the homeless at the Ramada Inn off Route 30 at Exit 14
  • Stephen has volunteered to do many things for Dreamy!

Reflecting On SacrificeEdit

  • Bush has reflecting on his time in office
  • no president before Bush had to make tough decisions
    • everyone else relied on President Decision Plinko
  • Bush's Legacy
    • mostly disasters, but they were planted by Clinton
  • Judge Susan Crawford, senior Bush Pentagon official said we cannot prosecute Mohammed Al-Qahtani, because "we tortured Mohammed Al-Qahtani" (January 13, 2009)
  • this admin condoned torture because we're facing a war
  • in the History of Torture, no one prior to George W. Bush tortured people responsibly
    • It is unclear why during the Spanish Inquisition Spain boiled all those people (although some believe they were making the world's largest paella)
  • Dick Cheney knows it was legal, he asked the lawyers he hired and they said it was okay
    • he explained it: "In terms of all of our actions, we worked to stay close to the Office of Legal Counsel. We followed the guidance we got, which is what you're supposed to do and where you're supposed to do it." (January 4, 2009)
  • is torture wrong?
    • some human rights experts don't think so
      • O'Reilly
      • Hannity
      • Jack Bauer
  • Recap
    • it's torture
    • it's legal
    • it's right
  • no compromise
    • all good or all evil
  • if torture is ever the right thing to do; then it is always the right thing to do
  • turned something that was once evil into a virtue
  • liberals claim we haven't been asked to sacrifice anything for this war (compared to World War 2)
  • however, Dr. Colbert points out that The Greatest President Ever has asked us to sacrifice something:
    • the difference between right & wrong


  • Frank Rich
  • columnist for the New York Times, Stephen will ask him what he will be giving Obama besides a free ride
  • not in Washington to cut the ribbon on the tax and spend machine
  • Stephen touches politicians with his elbows
  • relentless critic
    • he's tickled pink
  • never gave Bush a fair break
    • kept beating him hoping for a Pulitzer to drop out
  • compared Bush to Hoover
  • we gave democracy to the Middle East:
    • Hamas in Gaza
    • Taliban in Afghanistan
    • in (parts of) Iraq
  • never wrote in his column "could have been worst"
    • smaller than life
    • like average guy
  • gave hope to those of us who've just phoned it in all our lives
    • hope for mediocrity
  • how will Rich transition from unflinching critic to unflinching "yes-man"
    • criticized Obama for his tie, Rick Warren
  • all the news that fit to piss everybody off
  • spent his entire career around newspapers
    • newspapers may not survive
    • may become diesel mechanic
    • Maureen Dowd learning to give pedicures

Celebration In SongEdit

  • these last few days have been very emotional for Dr. Colbert
    • like someone has been waterboarding his heart
  • a celebration of the celestial giants who made the Bush Administration


  • 500th show
  • Dr. Colbert thanked Christine Ebersole, who will be at the Cafe Carlisle until the end of the week
    • haven't reached the end of a presidency, we've reached the end of a metaphor
      • the country is like the frog that has been put into a pot of water as the the water is slowly brought to a boil
  • Chris Matthews knows a lot about boiled frogs, because he used to be one until someone kissed him and turned him into a Boiling Prince
  • since Bush has been in office, we haven't once been attacked by boiling frogs
  • Dr. Colbert adds this retired metaphor (the Boiling Frog) to the bookshelf
  • (as represented by a frog that Stephen has slowly been simmering since 2001)
    • finally safe from terrorists
  • Stephen reminds Obama to thank Bush for all the frog broth


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