Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
August 7, 2008
Production code:
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  • Let The Games Chagrin
"I get ready for the Beijing Olympics! I hope some athletes have compelling personal stories that can be set to delicate piano music!"
  • Pump Up The Volume
"Plus, Exxon--once again--makes record profits! And encourages you to not inflate your tires!"
  • Let Me Beat Frank
"Then, I talk to author, Thomas Frank, who blames conservatives for destroying the government! Wrong! They're destroying the Constitution!"

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Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because my new sponsor is Salt!
This is
The Colbert Report!
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~ Stephen Colbert
August 7, 2008 The Colbert Report

Successful Terrorist ConvictionEdit

  • Dr. Colbert opened the show with Sheherazad as His Mob chants "Stephen, Stephen, Stephen!"
  • Hamdan, Osama bin Laden's driver was found guilty
    • most exciting day in traffic court in history
    • PDB: "bin Laden determined to turn right on red"
  • next target: Ayman al-Zawahiri's dermatologist

Sport ReportEdit

  • China Olympics Edition!
  • Dr. Colbert is breaking out in hives that vaguely resemble the olympic rings
  • carried to work by Béla Károlyi
  • Michael Phelps, American swimmer
    • plays Jim in The Office
    • led the Giants in the Superbowl
  • America has the talent
  • how can we beat the godless communists
    • power of prayer
      • Marion Jones has not thanked Stephen for her 3 gold medals
  • Prayer Cap
  • Buffalo Wings (El Diablo)
  • Giant Prayer Hands
  • Oh lord please help our athletes win

enough gold medals to melt down and buy back our economy from the Chinese thick lusterous hair, rockin' bod

for thine is the kingdom, amen

  • Devon Gordon
  • discussed the Beijing Olympics
  • China's coming out party
  • China may take one more gold than America
  • did eventually chant: "USA Number 1!"

Tip Of The Hat, Wag of the FingerEdit

  • Exxon Mobile made record-breaking profits: $11.7 billion
    • FOX contributor said corner deli makes bigger profit margins than Exxon Mobile
  • Wag: Puneet, Stephen's corner deli owner
    • pulling 17 million off Stephen's black and white cookies
  • Stephen is calling for Congressional hearings on Big Deli
  • and Big Lemonade
    • and their corporate tykecoons
  • Condi's Hollywood crush:
  • Wag: Denzel Washington, for being the Secretary of hunk (distracting Condi from achieving Middle East peace)
  • Tip: Reginald Peterson
    • called 911 because the Subway didn't put the sauce on his sandwich
    • called again because the police didn't a

Legitimate Reasons To Call 911Edit

  • tall people sit in front of you at a movie theater
  • a bag of potatoe chips gets stuck in a vending machine
  • someone doesn't agree with you what an animal cloud looks like


  • Thomas Frank
    • is gramatically incorrect
    • book: The Wrecking Ball
  • the argument is conservatives suck
    • suck better than anyone else!
  • graciously accepted his nailing
  • a lot of people share Stephen's views
  • private corporations don't answer to "we, the people"


  • Stephen had to put down his issue of ____ to say good night to The Heroes!


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