Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
September 15, 2008
Production code:
Next Episode

The Check-InEdit

Dr. Colbert is selling everything on two phones when His Jew Friend interrupts asking about Dr. Colbert's stocks.

He is not having a tough day on the market, he is selling vintage phones!

320 salt water aquarium endangered fish.

Tiger cubs, Ike and Tina, who fight.

Dr. Colbert answers a ringing phone, "Jon Stewart's endangered fish and tiger cub warehouse..."


  • Hop on G.O.P.
"The press is treating John McCain unfairly! They're showing pictures of him without Sarah Palin!"
  • Watership Dow
"And I present Colbert Platinum, my segment for viewers with high income! Don't worry government bailouts count as income!"
  • Jesus Died For Your Spin
"Then, my guest Peter J. Gomes reaches religion at Harvard! I hope he teaches "You Are Going To Hell 101"!"

Flag quote open clear2
By the power vested in me! I now pronounce us host and audience! You may kiss the screen!
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
September 15, 2008 The Colbert Report

Tough Day On Wall StreetEdit

  • applause is like smelling salts in a weary world
    • Lehman Brothers
    • Merrill Lynch
    • AIG
  • Alan Greenspan called it a once-in-a-century event
    • like an eclipse
  • John McCain
    • the fundamentals of the economy are strong
      • we still exchange currency
      • not barter
        • 2 goats bushel of oranges
  • Gorlock assured Dr. Colbert he would diversify his portfolio
  • Dr. Colbert looks on his shelves for something to sell
    • unautographed photograph of Rick Springfield
      • $350,000
        • supplies are limited to the amount of toner

Not A Fan Of AnswersEdit

  • neither does administration
  • Tonight's Word: How Dare You?
  • Dr. Colbert had to remind Senator Obama that ...
    • McCain's running mate is Sarah Palin
    • Palin is from Alaska
    • Alaska's second largest city is Fairbanks
    • Douglas Fairbanks is a silent movie star
    • stars burn hydrogen into helium
    • breathing helium makes your voice high
    • high voices belong to women
    • women wear lipstick
      • ergo, Obama called Palin a pig!
        • Proof Obama is sexist!

Colbert PlatinumEdit

This segment is for Platinum Members only. If you chew your own food, leave the room

  • Not many buyers for the Rick Springfield picture
    • still has money on his boat in Galveston, Texas
  • trophy wives do not stay on the mantle
    • Kate Moss golden statue
      • expressive
      • eats just a bit more than a supermodel
  • King picked his bried from 10,000 bare-breasted virgins, who paraded before him
  • perfect gift
    • wraps gifts in uncut sheets of U.S. currency
      • best gift ? a stack of Euros
  • Uncut sheet of $32 dollars is $55
  • will dab his tears not with $100 bills, but Lehman Brothers stock


  • Peter Gomes
    • he got the idea for his book from the newly discovered TMZ scrolls
  • the scandal is he wants to sell books
    • he is an honest man
  • believes The Bible is not definitive
  • there's a lot to be said of Jesus
  • Baptist minister, a member of the Baptist elite
    • not a Southern Baptist, he's a Harvard Baptist
  • threatens our sense of well-being
  • Jesus opposed the status quo
  • Jesus was something of a maverick
    • is Sarah Palin Mary Magdelen?
  • change is following the implications of what the law
  • modern churches are not engines of change
  • was baptized a Catholic and is still considered by Stephen to be one


  • See you tomorrow!


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