Production InfoEdit

Previous Episode
November 12, 2008
Production code:
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  • Unfairness Doctrine
"George W. Bush is a victim! Other people can't make their mortgage, so he has to leave his house!?"
  • Doctor of Fine Hearts
"Then, doctors find a new way to protect your heart! I keep a baboon handy as a spare!"
  • Sporting Woodward
"And my guest Bob Woodward says there's infighting in the Bush Administration! They're fighting in there, so we don't have to fight them out here!"

Flag quote open clear2
Hey, TelePrompTer! Stop telling me what to do! Pause! Then yell:
This is
The Colbert Report!
Flag quote close clear2
~ Stephen Colbert
November 12, 2008 The Colbert Report

A New FourmulaEdit

  • Dr. Colbert says never point out the diehards
    • sounds like a cult
  • everybody is saying we're in an international crisis
    • jobs are disappearing
  • New York Times
    • shortage of sperm donors in Britain!
  • even sperm banks are failing
    • truly world-wide problem with liquidity
  • calling for a sperm bailout
  • not asking Americans to sacrifice
  • Sells well in Narnia
    • made most of it while hiding in the wardrobe
      • likes the feel of a fur coat
  • hope it helps with their problem with their faulty towers

The Election's Greatest Victim EverEdit

  • Omaha Nebraska is still counting votes there
    • giving one more electoral vote
    • first Dem since Johnson in 1964
      • who promised to nuke Kansas
  • Dems say cherry on top of sweet election
    • GOP like bitter and salty
  • coke machine and fry station
  • the greatest victim was the president
    • he has been oppressed
  • demonized by his enemies
  • he was demonized because he cared too much
    • Wall Street Journal editorial
      • The Treatment of Bush Has Been A Disgrace
  • criticizing Bush has been damaging to the U.S.
  • clockwise hula is the hula of shame
  • don't ask why the GOP was rejected by the voters
    • who can be blamed for it?

Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.Edit

  • Prescott presents:
    • GynoMorph
      • turn you into a dude
  • Side effects:
    • subcutaneous funions
    • ingrown testicle
    • outgrown testicle
    • Testicular testicularization
  • Heart Health
    • statins reduce cholesterol
  • Prescott introduces:
    • VaxaCrest
    • until your heart pumps nacho cheese
  • side effects:
    • fallopian tapeworm
    • Runaway gums
    • mind of mencia
  • In other news:
  • Bee Gees "Stayin' Alive"
    • perfect rhythm to use during CPR
  • Barry Gibb's falsetto voice sounds like a heart monitor after you die
  • Prescott introduces:
  • The presTune store
    • download a song for every medical need
  • rash-Prince's Creme
    • ventricular funk
    • spontaneous gypsy scarf
    • Stephen Tyler Lip
  • You only have one heart, unless you used Vaxa Cream between April and July of 2004


  • Bob Woodward
  • called the best reporter in the world, let's see how he does against the worst
  • two legends of journalism sitting across from each other
  • he is like the bubonic plague
  • New book: The War Within
  • secret history of the Bush Administration
  • took two years to investigate dysfunction
  • infighting in Bush's White House
    • American people lost that battle
  • everything is fine because
  • Stephen physically cannot read Doonesbury
    • his eyes don't take to it
  • Bush made Washington work in his own way
  • he claims Bush did it to himself
    • delegate allows for plausible deniability
  • they should be given points for being secretive and deceptive
  • made a promise not to say anything until it's too late


  • Dr. Colbert says good night after giving the camera his very best look of gravitas


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