The Toronto Raptors
is "Dead To Me" ("Me" being Stephen Colbert)
The Toronto Raptors should be dead to you, too.

The Toronto Raptors
is too Canadian, speak American, eh.
Raptor gallery point

They know what they did.


The Toronto Raptors are a National Basketball Association (NAMBLA) team from—wait a second! Toronto is a CANADIAN city, how can they play in an American League?! Toronto Nazis is more like it.


In October of 2005 they lost an exhibition game to Maccabi Tel Aviv, which was the first time an NBA team had been beaten by an international club since 1488.

The Toronto Raptors were placed on notice by Stephen Colbert for suffering their humiliating loss. Allowing any player to score 81 points in a single game will cause people to begin comparing him to Michael Jordan, which is blasphemy. So SHAME, Raptors. Shame.

In February 2007 the Raptors were placed on the "Dead to Me" list by Stephen Colbert, because they had the audacity to have a mascot who beat Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle into second place on the "Top Mascots of 2006" list.

On March 20, 2007 at Stephen Colbert Day in Oshawa, The Raptor had the nerve to place Stephen Colbert On Notice. He was subsequently punished through the act of Colbert-karma by being forced to fall off the stage. He's lucky it was just a hockey rink and not a tar pit. Stephen is just merciful that way, even to shameless evolutionary theorizing dinosaurs that are best friends with godless hockey playing mascots like Carlton the Bear. Disgusting.


At present, the Toronto Raptors have an large, but success-starved fan base. Despite having only one playoff series victory in franchise history, the Raptors inexplicably draw attendances in the top half of the NBA. The Toronto Raptors are the only team granted permission to have their own TV Station. Since the glorious demise of the Vancouver Grisslies, the team that was supported by all Godless Killing Machines, the Raptors have become "Canada's Team", which has allowed them to broadcast their games nationally.
In 2007 the raptors made the playoffs only to be defeated in the first round..Try again next year RAPTORS

Rumors persist that the Raptors are jealous of the prowess of America and Stephen Colbert, and are planning a land invasion. But just remember Raptors, if you try you'll be flashed by the crazy kilt-wearing Boston Celtics, caught by the New Jersey Nets, knocked back three decades by the Philadelphia 76ers, and, err, "knickerbocked" by the New York Knicks. You have been warned!

See AlsoEdit

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