War On Science

  • Years Waged: 1925-Present
  • Geographic Region: Red States
  • Winner: Baby Jesus
  • Loser: Axis of Liberalism
Real Americans Democrats
George W. Bush Michael Moore
Truthiness Blasphemy
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The War On Science is an existential battle to defend and secure the Forces of Truthiness. Its aim is to annihilate the axis of liberalism (academia-media-Al Gore) and make America safe once and for all from the bear-inspired conspiracy against common sense, the truthy world view.


The beginning of The War On Science can be marked from any of several shameful acts by unholy deviants, such as Lord Kelvin, who infamously back-dated Earth’s origin to well before God made the light to see it by, as was plainly shown by Reverend Usher. This conceit was to cover Darwin’s temporal overdraft in deriving the opposing thumb from the prehensile tail, which was a stretch for any time-bandit’s credit line. However, Kelvin’s generosity was not generous enough, leaving Darwin bankrupt anyway, so this episode seems to most a mere blip in the overall context of the building War. Some authors place the outbreak of The War On Science much later, when the Greatest President – EVER ordered pre-emptive strikes on the domestic terrorists who planned the mass execution of human embryos in the belief that it would cure Michael J. Fox’s histrionic tremors, which we later learned he was actually faking anyway. This article follows the conventional dating, which places the beginning of The War On Science in July 1925 with the event known in wikiality as the Scopes Guilty-as-Hell-Monkey-Trial Formality.

Causes of The War On Science

While the Church fought valiantly to silence his lies, Galileo landed the opening shot in what was then a Police Action on Science in the fifteenth century A.D. with his audacious claim that the Earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the Sun. The Church Fathers could see just as well as you and I that the Sun moves through the sky, but Galileo was a brilliant propagandist who promulgated the principle that you cannot believe what you're own eyes are telling you and instead must rely on Al Gebra, which is the terrorist-Mooslim art of hallucinating using funny symbols and mysterious diagrams. Al Gebra based theories of the Universe were taught to Galileo by Copernicus, a Polish nerd who openly admitted that his stuff was pretty trippy and not to be taken seriously. But the Defenders of the Faith faltered and acted weakly, merely confining Galileo to house arrest, where he composed deceitful “Dialogues” that not only argued for the moving Earth theory, but even claimed, preposterously, that heavy objects fall to Earth at the same speed as light ones. He purported to prove it by flicking a slice of pepperoni and flake of shredded cheese off of a Tower of Pizzas and watching them hit the floor at the same time. You would think that this bogus experiment would have discredited him to posterity, but the illegal combatants who worship at the altar of Science regard these to be some of the tastiest pizzas of all time.

Galileo was followed by Isaac Newton, a pious philosopher and neutral party to the budding conflict, who inadvertently upped the potency of Galileo's toxic ideas by inventing the calculus and a theory of gravitation that was so complicated that the Church was left speechless and so was not heard from on the subject for some time. Yet this was only a dalliance for Newton, who spent most of his time in his meth lab performing Al Chemy and thus unwittingly setting the stage for the War on Drugs. Newton also calculated the age of the Earth based on Scripture, a.k.a. God’s database. But a math error caused by forgetting to go forth and multiply by the number of the beast led him to a modest underestimate. We now know that the Earth may be somewhat more than 48 years old.

Darwin as monkey on La Petite Lune.jpg

After Newton, there ensued a sort of cease-fire in which Science and Common Sense (i.e., truthiness) coexisted in an uneasy peace that lasted for some two centuries. Then a puckered-anus Frenchman named Charles Darwin blew the lid off the status quo.

In an 1895 piece of nerd porn called Origin of Species, Darwin announced that human beans (first studied by Mendel, only he spelled it p-e-a-s) are descended from… monkeys! I’ll be the first to admit that monkeys bear an uncanny resemblance to liberal democrat rest area cruisers, especially when I watch them masturbate at the zoo, but dammit! If I’m a monkey’s uncle it can’t be the other way around too. That’s just plain truthiness. Investigative reporting by Fox News indicates that Darwin got this idea from a tropical bear he met in a men’s restroom on the Galapagos Islands. I don’t doubt it, but that’s no excuse. This cowardly attack on the Bible’s infallibility must be confronted ruthlessly, and early crusaders on behalf of truthiness have shown the way.

Early History

While Real Americans were off in Europe saving the French’s namby-pamby asses in World War I, the scientist-blasphemers on the Home Front were busy placing Darwin’s Theory of Evolution in the public school curriculum. Dealing with these treacherous liberal bastards had to be placed on hold until 1918, while we finished draping the bloody entrails of the Kaiser’s best all over Europe (God! Those were the days!) After decisively defeating the Fatherland’s bullet sponge they called an army, and imposing an appropriately punitive armistice, our red, white and blue-blooded patriots celebrated a good ole American ass-kicking by guzzling copious draughts of dead-German lager.

There’s nothing more joyous than the smell of a blood-soaked Old Europe battlefield to a brave American conscript. By stark contrast, what these American heroes returned home to was absolutely shocking.

Millions of darwinized school children in the victorious U. S. of Kick-A greeted their war-weary big brothers not with hugs and kisses, but with half masticated bananas pinched between their teeth and lower lips, throwing fistfuls of their own freshly harvested feces. The horror of this simian homecoming was, predictably, down-played by the liberal media. Blaming any unseemly behavior on President Wilson (God rest his soul), the perennial communist mouthpiece otherwise known as the New York Times wrote on the front page (above the fold, no less): “Wilson declares plight of Negroes law of jungle,” shamelessly quoting the fifth-greatest President – EVER out of context while conveniently ignoring the well known fact that Wilson was unable to see race. This was a blatant attempt to distract the American people from the child abuse inflicted by ape-worshiping school teachers by reminding the gullible masses of the old canard that black folk of the time were somehow segregated from the rest of mainstream society. Yes, we know The Code.

Some of my best friends are black people. I am not gay. Did I write that out loud?

But Wilson’s legions of Real American faithful fought back. One of Woody’s bravest Christian soldiers was Tennessee state lawmaker John “Washing Machine” Buttler. Buttler passed a law that made it illegal to lie about the Divine Creation to “tot or teen and any kid in between.” That was so the law could not be struck down as unconstitutionally vague by the Supreme Beings (Republicans) or the Activist Judges (Democrats). Real Americans, then as now, always play by the rules. But John Scopes did not. He broke the Buttler Rule by “teaching” his classroom Darwin’s monkey drivel and got his sorry butt dragged into court for it. Scopes got pinkoed-up with the help of the ACLU, who hired three-time presidential loser William Jennings Bryan to defend him. The open and shut case against Scopes was brilliantly presented by Clarence Darrow, and after eight days of filibustering by Bryan, the jury found Scopes guilty in one minute of deliberating the obvious. Scopes was summarily executed by the foreman. The War on Science had begun.

Course of The War

Reacting to the death of Scopes, the Evolutionists went ape shit. Nation, we know that the true purpose of a biology textbook is to simply catalog the names of the animals, as they were given to them by Adam after the Creation. But to the treasonous, anti-Bible, terrorist-loving cowards of the Junk Science publishing houses, our children’s school books became farcical genealogies of the human-monkey family history, skeletons and all. Boo louder, folks, I can’t hear you.

Limited War: 1925-1979

First Amendment FAQ

Q: What is the First Amendment?
A: The First Amendment is included in a Bonus Feature of the US Constitution called the Bill O’Rights.
Q: Who wrote the First Amendment?
A: The First Amendment is named after its author Bill First, Republican senator from Tennessee and renowned brain damage diagnostician.
Q: How do I use the First Amendment?
A: Anyway you want, as long as it doesn’t violate prevailing community standards.
Q: When do I use the First Amendment?
A: Every time you tell a terrorist-appeasing liberal to shut the f*** up.
Q: Where do I use the First Amendment?
A: In court, say, when Al Franken sues you for slander because you said his birth is living proof you can get pregnant from anal sex.

Some of my very favorite laws of the time neatly clarified the First Amendment to codify the strict constructionist interpretation that Freedom of Speech does not confer a constitutional right to make Baby Jesus cry. Further, the Establishment Clause doesn’t protect monkey worshipping. Unfortunately, the Soviet-coddling Democrap President Franklin Delano Roosevelt packed the Supreme Court with Activist Judges, who –no surprise- overturned these protections for truthiness, which basically took the feds out of The War for six long Satan-appeasing presidential terms (counting pinko successor Harry “S” Truman’s administration. (The middle initial “S”, by the way, stands for “Show me” (a nickname Truman earned in grade school because of his fascination with playing “doctor” with the other boys. (Real Americans enjoy a love-hate relationship with the Korean War Decider. After all, he did nuke the Japs (so he can’t be all bad. (Does that make-up for his other Radical Left associations?))))))…)?

Thankfully, local school boards remained stalwart defenders of Truth, Justice and The American Way, bravely holding the Home Front against the monkey-science army intent on turning our own children against us. Yet with the Establishment out of the action, neighborhood schools were sorely outnumbered. Many wanted to break out of the Darwinist siege and go on the offensive. An ill-considered incursion by the Mormons (see Allies of Convenience) into the Northern California Bay Area resulted in a temporary territorial gain for the Red State Team. But the advance by the Men in Skinny Black Ties 3rd Mechanized Brigade, Schwinn Bicycle Wing, produced a “bulge”, or “salient” as it’s called in military-speak, on the southwest peninsula, leaving the Forces for Goodness hemmed-in on three sides. In a dastardly pincer maneuver, an unholy alliance of Dolphin Trainers, Homosexuals and Darwinistas cut off the Missionaries at the south and promptly finished them off with a Gay Pride march through Haight-Ashbury. San Francisco was lost, and has been solidly in the Blue State camp ever since. Saturation bombing of ‘Frisco is discussed from time-to-time, yet the fear of collateral damage to the Seventh Fleet has thus far discouraged the exercise of this option. But hear this San Francisco: nothing is off the table.

The menace of Environmental Extremism emerging in the late 1960s and early 1970s widened the theater of war, which for the first time was showing signs of becoming a global conflict. Tree Huggers and Greenpeace gathered strength throughout the Nixon administration, producing a long list of Junk Science causes such as the myths of air pollution, animal habitat destruction, and Nucular Power Plant meltdown. Jane Fonda was a key spokesman for the movement and will go to Hell for it, although its true leadership is clearly provided by the bear-conspiracy against Dr. Stephen Colbert D.F.A.

Escalation of The War: 1980-2000

Thanks to President Nixon’s limp-wristed Silent Majority strategy and the tragic election of Jimmy Carter as Commander in Brief in 1976, the War On Science was all but lost by 1980. Evolution was proselytized with impunity at every grade level in every school district across America, construction of Nucular Power Plants ground to a halt, and the American Bald Eagle, that great symbol of the truthy superiority of Colbert Nation, was shoved aside for the Spotted Owl. The War was spreading like head lice at summer camp and morale within the ranks of the Warfighter was at an all time low. For the first time in our kick-butt history, it appeared America was losing a war. In one of his famous fireside chats, a sweater-clad Carter blamed the whole thing on us, Nation! The Democrat-traitors were at the top of their Blame America First game.

It is difficult to recount the inauguration of Ronald Reagan without bursting into tears of joy. All Forces of Rottenness, including the Federation of America Scientists, PIRG and ACORN were put on notice by the Second-Greatest President –EVER. He gave the Nation hope (with not a sing molecule of audaciousness in it either), and The American People responded.

In a sort of Manhattan Project to construct the ultimate weapon against Evolution, brilliant thinker-feelers of the Reagan Revolution produced a tour-de-force of irrefutable opinion on the Origin of Man, revered by us today as Creation Science. In a secret plot to stop the revelation of the factiness of the Divine Creation, the bear conspiracy sent John Hinkley to assassinate our beloved leader, providing him with a Jodie Foster crush as a cover story. The plot failed (although the President, sadly, had to take a bullet for us), and Creation Science was force-fed to an incredulous league of un-American science teachers, who never could have seen this coming in the entire 6000 years of geologic history. The tide had turned.

But nobody claimed that The War was going to be easy. The Liberal Democrats mobilized their bar of Activist Judges and greedy trial lawyers, propagating a veritable Starbucks-style monkey-trial franchise throughout the embattled Red States to challenge the reasonable new science-education requirements established by impartial Jesus-loving school boards. The Left cleverly exploited highly technical disagreements among Creation Scientists to make it appear as though their own authorities believed its conclusions to be unscientific. Of course, this tactic was a cynical mischaracterization of the methods of Sound Science, in which open-minded born again researchers work through and debate the best formulation for the mathematical equations that describe God’s Six Day Creation Physics (some immigrant creationists want to use the metric system and had to be reminded that foreign units undermine the factiness of the math. American units remain the current divine standard.)

Meanwhile, in the Naval War On Science, Greenpeace warships made repeated attacks on the Coalition Fishing Fleet throughout the 1980s and 90s on the ridiculous pretext of defending innocent marine life from bottom trawling, among other Left Wing pet peeves. At the time, marine life had not yet been designated illegal combatants and US Maritime Law precluded putting Greenpeace out of its misery with some artfully placed torpedoes from a Los Angeles Class Canadian-Commie Killer. The rules of engagement have subsequently been revised as part of the Top Secret Global War On Science (GWOS) War Plan, which can only be discussed on the Pentagon’s classified internets tubes.

The Intelligent Designer's Missing Manual, a.k.a. Of Pandas and People: The Central Question of Biological Origins, by Percival Davis and Dean H. Kenyon. Curl up by a warm fire and read it to your kids. All your questions will be interrogated in a no-nonsense GITMO style. You might even find some answers too.

God fearing Americans got little help from the White House in the corrosive battle over Creation Science vs. False Evolution Teachings in the late 1980s and 1990s, owing to the then-current residents’ preoccupation with the tricky art of talking without allowing his lips to be read (George Bush I), and later a lack of interest in any subject matter above the belt buckle (first Black president.) The pro-ape crowd had successfully made inroads through the courts by deceiving the public on the sciencifiness question, and the partisans for Jesus were left to their own devices to turn around the fortunes of war. A breakthrough came when a team of graduate students at the Discovery Institute re-translated a Hebrew manuscript of Genesis back into the original American, revealing new layers of depth in the factiness backing up the Genesis account. The result is called Intelligent Design. Intelligent Design means that people couldn’t have evolved from monkeys because documents from the time show it didn’t happen that way. See you in court.

In the interest of full disclosure, Intelligent Design does involve bears, but these are Panda bears, which are the cute and cuddly kind. So don’t afraid.

Total War: 2001-Present

Intelligent Design didn’t fare too well in court either, but that matters little now, as trying the issue in such a venue is merely a fallacy of Pre 9-11 Thinking. This is no-kidding War now folks, so be prepared to sacrifice. Like don’t expect the Federal Government to drop everything and come to your rescue just because you’ve been through a hurricane. Our Public Servants are very, very busy defending America against those who hate our freedom to drown in a flood, and they don’t have time to listen to whiners.

Be prepared for the flurry of scare-tactics that are bound to emerge from the Left Wing Enemies of America. Global Warming? Not a problem. Would you rather have Global Freezing? Nobody in their right mind would be against Global Warming, even if were really happening, which it isn’t, except by certain measures such as temperature. Have you ever spent a winter in the Minnesota Iron Range? Try it once. That’ll put you on the right –and the right wing- side of the issue. The only reason those folks vote Democrat is because the levers in the voting booths are frozen shut in one direction.

Stem cell research. Could someone please put a stick in my eye to make me feel better? Stem cell research is domestic terrorism at its misunderestimated worst. Even Obama bin Laden couldn’t have dreamed up a plot to murder millions of free American unborn children just so a bunch of jaundiced drunk Democrats like Ted Kennedy might have hope of growing a new liver. I don’t want Ted Kennedy to grow a new liver. I want him to make my heart grow fonder by his absence. Leave the unborn kids alone, even if they do look like slimy tad poles with eczema.

Finally, Creation Science/Intelligent Design is the presumed status quo in the study of biology and the earth sciences. That is because we have a President who had the presence of mind to read the Constitution and recognize the unlimited Jesus-powers reserved to him in War Time. So if your child is being exposed to Evolution lies at school, all you have to do is identify the offending parties to the proper of authorities so they can be shipped to Gitmo where they belong.

This is Total War!

Strategery of the Good Guys

Good Guy strategery factygram

Speaking of Total, open wide ‘cause here comes your complete daily serving of truthy vitamins and facty minerals.

General David Petraeus, the most brilliant military strategist of all time, once said, “Progress is fragile and reversible.” So you’re on notice, Liberal Enemies of America: we see the fragility of your progress, and we WILL reverse it. Here’s how.

We’ll reach across the aisle and compromise (gasp!). Okay, the Constitution mandates the separation of Church and State. We craftily concede the point to our “honorable” colleagues from the Blue States. Join our quest then, to privatize education and in return we will fully support your liberal legislation forbidding prayer and the teaching of Intelligent Design in a public school. Doesn’t it feel good to work together to perfect the union?

We’ll make haste. Because haste makes waste. And waste makes landfills. And landfills attract seagulls. And seagulls attract Mormons. And Mormons attract a plurality of other Mormons. And a plurality wins the election. Chew on that, Don’t It-Getters.

We’ll huff and we’ll puff and we’ll blow your house down. ‘Nuff said.

Futile Resistance by the Bad Guys

Evolutionist plots reverse psychology.

Suppose you were a terrorist-sympathizing liberal. I know it's hard, but try to put yourself in their loafers. How would you counter the brilliant strategery of the Truthy Forces arrayed against you? I've examined the question objectively and see the following desperate possibilities:

  1. Raise college tuitions again (check)
  2. Infiltrate Oprah's book-of-the-month club
  3. Blame 9-11 on Osama Bin Laden
  4. Compute standardized test scores on a logarithmic scale
  5. Pass a law adding a mushroom cloud to the Department of Energy logo
  6. Legalize counterfeit money
  7. Release the photo of Rick Santorum eating a booger
  8. Jam Rush's radio show with a high power bloviating transmitter (stolen from Papa Bear)
  9. Start a rumor on the internets tubes that Planet of the Apes was a documentary
  10. Start a rumor on the internets tubes that the opening sequence of 2001: A Space Odyssey is a documentary

How The War On Science Will End

The Wørd: It won’t. Or at least it shouldn’t. American discourse would be an insufferably civil yawn-o-rama without a War on Science and we of Colbert Nation owe it to ourselves to keep it going as long as possible. Besides, if we win the War on Science, all of our science-dependent gadgets will stop working the instant the articles of surrender are signed. The PA systems in our mega Churches will fall silent, causing the Pastor to have to shout so loud his Adam’s apple may explode from his throat like that monster thing in Alien.

Although The War On Science must go on indefinitely, we can accomplish the mission.

See Also

World War 0  | World War I  | World War II  | World War III
The War of Northern Aggression  | Cold War  | Korean War  | Vietnam War
The French Revolution  | War of 1812  | American-Indian War  | American-Mexican War  | American-Spanish War
War On Terror  | Gulf War  | Operation Iraqi Freedom  | War On Iran
War On Christmas  | Easter Under Attack  | The War On The Fourth Of July  | War on Monkeys  | The Cola Wars  | War on The Free Market  | The War To Christmasize Israel  | War of The Internets Tubes  | War On Science
War On The Middle Class  | The War Against The Gayification of American Children  | War On Drugs  | War On Poverty