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Writer of the Year
Wow. Oh wow. This is such a shock, I have no idea what to say. So instead, I'll type in a prepared acceptance speech I keep on hand for just such an occasion:
Thank you so much for this
(hold up award). Winning the
(name of award)is such a thrill. I'd like to acknowledge my fellow nominees, especially WatchTVEatDonutDrinkBeer, what a honor it is to share this award with you. I'd like to thank my parents for believing that abortion is a sin. I don't know whether or not they actually believed that, but I'm here for some reason, and I'd like to think it's not because the condom broke. Wait! Stop the music. Stop it— there's one person who...
(choke back tears)I promised myself I wouldn't cry... one person who made tonight possible. Stephen Colbert.
(hold for applause)He's not here with us, but I know he's watching over us.
(raise award toward ceiling)Stephen, wherever you are this is for you.
(exit toward wrong side of stage, wait for attractive young woman to grab my arm and lead me off the correct direction)
Best Short Article of the Year